All about ME

   When I was a child, I was bubbly and outgoing, to the point that I loved everyone and everything. I had zero coordination, but got into Little Athletics. My obsession was reading. I was reading before I was 2, fluently before I was 6. Between Grade 2 and the end of Grade 3, I managed to read every single fiction book in the school Reader boxes ( was at a different school from Prep to the end of Grade 1).
My Grade 3 teacher was giving me Year 7 work before the end of Grade 3, I was a very smart cookie.
But in being smart, I lost something... or maybe I just never had it to start with.
People skills.

I've never been able to shut my mouth when it comes to what I think or feel. I'm very transparent.
I've recently realised that it's not so much that I have bad hearing (I do, but that's another story), it's that I lipread people so I don't have to look them in the eyes. I tried to stop lipreading when I acquired some hearing aids - I could hear the words perfectly fine, but unless I could see them being formed I was unable to understand them. No idea how that works, seems weird to me, but that's just me :)

I always had a hard time making friends. Even now, at the age of 28, I struggle.
There's a few of the mums at school that I really would like to get to know, but I find myself not knowing what to say, and being so anxious that I end up saying nothing - or I feel like I'm babbling.

I have obsessive interests - disability being one of them.
My lifelong one-and-only true friend, CK, has spina bifida.
My other good friend in primary school had severe Cerebral Palsy.
I've always read up a lot on different disabilities, and got to know as much as I can about them.
I know a lot about most, my latest "obsession" is autism. I'm reading everything and everything that's been written about it, so that I can learn more about it.

I guess it's because I can relate to a lot of the problems that people with Autism have.
I am always anxious in new situations, or when the routine changes, or when the bus takes a different route to normal, or when I am in a group of people that I don't know very well.
I get anxious to the point that I don't speak at all, and people have been known to think of me as rude and aloof, when really it's only my anxiety that's stopping me from speaking. I literally become mute.

I found this definition of Aspergers quite interesting:

"Students with Asperger's syndrome may have above-average intelligence, extensive factual information, advanced vocabulary in a particular topic, exceptional memories for detail, a natural affinity for computers, be original and creative in their thought patterns, and very independent learners. However, they may also have some difficulties responding positively in the learning environment due to difficulties with cognitive flexibility and adapting to change or failure. "
Reference: http://www.adcet.edu.au/Cats/Specific_Impairments/Aspergers_and_Autism.chpx

THIS is me in a nutshell. Above average intelligence (used to be, before my brain got lazy), I remember lots of facts and information about topics that interest me, remembers detail, good with computers, not very creative though (although I've been told I am, I don't really believe it).... I just tried to write the sentence in brackets without grammar, but it was literally PAINFUL for me to see it, I had to go back and fix it.
I don't know how bad spelling and grammar can increase my anxiety but it does.
I am aware, after being told many times, that it's rude to correct people's grammar in the middle of their sentence, but it's like I'm compelled to. It's painful for me to not do it, I do it as an automatic reaction.


SO.... there are a few options.
I can try and conform to what everyone expects - which makes me extremely anxious, and I meltdown.
I can just be ME, and let whoever gets upset with me get upset.
Or I can speak to someone, maybe the GP, and see if maybe there IS a reason I am the way I am.

It gets terribly lonely being me sometimes. I offend people without realising I've been offensive, I upset people without realising that I've done anything wrong (and I'm often HORRIFIED to find I've upset someone by just being me). I have severe social anxiety, which does affect my making friends. This can be particularly hard when I come across someone I really would like to get to know, but have no idea how to go about getting to know them. Things that come naturally to most people don't come naturally to me.

Aspergers does run in my family. Mental ilness also runs in my family.
Maybe it's worth getting checked out.