How much forgiveness is too much?

     So I've pushed a few "friends" out of my life lately. I made a conscious decision to be more "choosy" with my friends, and people who I let in my life. After a few toxic friendships, I decided it was something that I needed to do.

Bye A, who has spun me lie after lie, and bullshit excuse after bullshit excuse.
Bye P, who tornadoed into my life and brought a shoulder to cry on, lots of understanding hugs, and unfortunately selfish chaos. I loved you friend, but you brought out the worst in both of us.

I'm trialling a temporary "bye" to my mother - the Queen of Narcissism, and expert on emotional blackmail.
The one who feels the need to override my parenting of my children, and constantly tell me I'm parenting "wrong", and not the way she-herself would do it. Constantly putting me down, and pointing out my faults.

     Yes, I know I have crappy people skills. I know that I can be a harsh parent at times, but I want my kids to learn right from wrong, and I ALWAYS explain to the kids why I won't allow a certain behaviour.
I'm black-and-white, I often have trouble seeing the shades. I can always see others' viewpoints, even if I won't back down and agree with them.

SO... just how much is too much forgiveness. How do you handle trying to forgive your mother when she just keeps throwing insults at you and won't accept that, although I may be in the wrong, she is too?
How many times can you handle your self-titled "best friend" lying to you (even white lies) and bullshit excuses before you say "enough"?

Facebook and Real-Life

    Recently a Facebook friend of mine changed her status from "Married" to "Single".
It turned from a simple status change, to absolute chaos. People posted "What's wrong? Are you okay? What happened?"   My friend responded that her husband had been cheating on her and had left her for another woman.

     Instead of her Facebook friends supporting her and sending her messages of caring and encouragement, it turned into a bitchfight. His mother was posting "My son wouldn't do anything of the sort", and my friend replying with "Well your son, my husband, told me himself."
    
     Which brings to light, yet again, the issue of Facebook and whether we should be posting our personal lives on Facebook for all to see - as some would say, "Airing our dirty laundry".
Some say that it's wrong to vent on Facebook, that it's a breach of privacy and immoral.
I am not one of those. As those on my friends list will know, I'm a big fan of venting on Facebook.
I'm conversationally-challenged, but I'm very good at typing my feelings out and posting them.
    
     But I can also see the other side of the fence.
I am adopted, but my adoptive mother HATES people knowing. If I want to have a rant on Facebook about my birth family, or about being adopted, I have the worry that Mum will see my statuses (she's no longer on Facebook thank goodness) and get upset. There's always the chance that someone will get upset with what you post.
     But Facebook can be a great venting ground. It's a great place to get your frustrations out and seek some emotional support. I've never really been one to hide how I feel - if I have a problem, or an issue, I'm more than happy to seek support on Facebook.

     What do you think? How do you feel about people venting on Facebook?

Grandparents, Grandkids and the Forgotten Generation (the parents)

Today's blog is about the generations – Grandparents, Grandkids and the forgotten generation – the parents.

As some of you know, I'm currently on holiday with my kids, my brother, my parents and their 2 dogs. We're staying at their on-site van and solid annexe. All of us. We came up in the one car, we're staying in the one place, and we're going home again all in the one car (it's a 12 hour drive to get here from home).

My parents are.... how can I put this without sounding bitchy? I think I'll have to explain it.

In my parents' eyes, I'm a terrible parent. I am too harsh on my kids, I expect too much, and I never let them “get away” with anything. I feed them junk, I don't feed them regular meals, and I'm lazy.

So these holidays, Mum has been at me non-stop. I haven't been my usual lazy self- I've cooked many meals, and done many dishes. I haven't shirked my responsibilities with the kids either, I've done pretty much everything that they needed done. My brother has changed one nappy of Master C's (which caused Mum to yell at me for “making him do it” when actually he offered and I said “thanks”).

I don't get up and deal with Master C when he starts to sook – I let him go for awhile first. I don't jump to attention when he sooks, as I usually know what he wants. A lot of the time, it's a case of him being tired and unable to sleep. So I let him sook it out. Not cry, mind you – just sook.

But my mother has been constantly on my case. She accuses me of not jumping to attention because I'm “lazy”, and “That's not how I would do it”. But one thing that she keeps forgetting is that they are MY children, and I will raise them how I see fit.

So what, as parents, do we do? Do we let our parents take over when they're around, and let them set the rules? Or do we stand up for ourselves and our parental rights, and say, “No, they are MY children and I will raise them as I see fit.”?

What should we do? What is the correct thing to do? What is the proper etiquette for these situations?

When we have said no to something, do we let our parents override us, or do we stick by our original decision?

I'm unsure as to what I'm meant to do.

I'm a very stubborn person, and I like to raise my kids my own way. When I've said “No” or “Yes” to my kids for something, I don't like being overridden. It's not always a case of me saying “no” and then saying “yes”. If I give them an ice cream or a chocolate biscuit, I hear “Wow, that's a healthy snack. Why don't you give them some fruit instead?”

Or “Isn't that Miss M's 3^rd glass of chocolate milk? Shouldn't she be having plain milk? Or water?”

FFS. They are MY children. I don't know if my parents are the only ones who do this (well, Mum anyway – Dad is quite capable of minding his own business). I'm sure other people's parents do the same thing. Is it just me who thinks it's rude and annoying, and extremely inappropriate?

Haven't they had their turn of parenting? Isn't it time to sit back, enjoy the grandkids and not have to worry about all the “rule enforcing” and nutrition stuff?

What do you think?

sensible or paranoid: watching your kids around water

Today's blog is all about parental supervision around waer.
We've all seen the ads on TV about how dangerous it is to leave kids alone around water.
But some parents are sill amazingly complacent about it. They figure that older siblings (around 13-14) can
adequately supervise the younger siblings.
     I personally believe that this is unfair. How do the parents think that the older sibling will feel if the younger
child drowned while THEY, the older sibling, were supposedly in charge and "on watch"?
Is it fair to put the siblings under that sort of pressure.
Some will scoff, and say "Big deal. It's not a huge ask, and besides - nothing will go wrong. Child A is capable of watching Child B, and Child B is a confident swimmer.
     Miss M, age 6, is a confident swimmer. She looks very uncoordinated in the water, but can nonetheless swim quite well.
But I would feel wrong with, when she is 14-15, leaving her with looking after her sibling aged 4 or 5.
I have let Miss M go in the water with a 17 year old by herself, because the 17 year old is training to be a swimming teacher, and is qualified in First Aid Level 2. But to leave a young child with an older sibling.... I don't believe it to be a safe practice.
    
     I am currently on holiday in Batemans Bay, NSW, with my children, my parents, my brother (aged 25) and their 2 little white fluffballs (dogs). Miss M is not allowed in the pool unsupervised. She can go in the pool alone, but I watch her closely. The only time I take my eyes off her is to change the song on the iPod. And even then, it's only for a few seconds at a time. But there are other kids in the pool area - there are 3 kids aged around 12-14. There are 3 kids between 5 and 8. And there is one little girl aged around 4 who is wearing floaties and cannot swim.

They are alone.

They are not being watched. There are no adults in the pool area (besides me watching Miss M, but
they were here for ages before we arrived). They are from the cabin opposite the pool. The gate is on the far side from the
cabin, so it would take a good 30 seconds to get into the pool area from their cabin.... and that's if they noticed the child was in trouble immediately. Very unlikely.

     So despite all the warning ads on TV, and all the signs around the pool stating "Children under 12 must be
supervised by an adult at ALL TIMES", they are still not being supervised.

     I sent an email to the caravan park office. This is what I said:
"Hi. I'm currently staying in the park. There's a whole bunch of kids - at least 2-3 under 12 and one who can't swim that aren't being supervised at ALL. I'm the only adult watching.
Not sure if you can do anything about it, but I'd hate for one of them to drown and I had not said anything.
Thanks."

   I felt better for having said something, because if a child had drowned (even one with feral parents who obviously don't care that their kid could drown) I'd feel awful for not having said anything.

     There was an incident earlier today with a young boy (aged about 5-7) who threw bark at Miss M.
She pointed him out to me, and I said to her (loud enough for him to hear), "Well if he throws bark at you again, I'll throw bark at HIM, and i'm a lot bigger than he is."

     The joys of parenting. I really do try to be non-judgmental with other people's parenting -but they have to actually PARENT them! Leaving your kids unsupervised in the pool area is just STUPID.

Parental Concern

At what age do your parents start treating you like an equal adult and not like their chi?
Am I destined to do the same to my kids, or can this cycle be broken?

I love my mother. We argue quite a bit, but I always look forward to going to visit her. Dad treats me like an equal, but Mum constantly treats me like a chIld.
"you're being too harsh on the kids"
"surely she can just have ONE biscuit" (after I've said no non-stop for the past hour!)
"is it such a big deal that she wears that?" (gumboots shorts and no top)

Yes, I could give in. But I've said no, and I'm a big believer in "no is final, and no amount of nagging will change that".

Is it just me, or do everyone's parents do this?
Sorry about the shortness, I'm away for 2 weeks and it takes a lot longer on the iPhone

Morals, Beliefs, Common Courtesy - and the In-Laws

     So, when you meet Mr or Miss Right, and you settle down together, it's all great. Until reality kicks in, and the rose-coloured glasses come off, and you realise that the two of you have completely different ideas about what's acceptable, and what is common courtesy, and what is just downright rude.
     My parents brought me up with pretty basic rules -
*  take your hat off inside
*  say please and thankyou all the time
*  help people whenever you can
*  if you're a guest in someone's house, you offer to help clean up after dinner
*  when someone enters your home, you spend time with them even if you don't want to
*  always ask how other people are, and listen to the answer


     When I went to pick up Master C from spending a couple of days at my in-laws' place, I sat around and politely chatted for awhile. When it was time to go, I went in to pack up the portacot, and by the time I'd done it they were already out near the car. So I had to lug the pram, the portacot, the bag of dirty clothes, the suitcase, AND the carseat - all by myself.
     Common courtesy, in my family, is helping people out with their things. Especially with so much.
Yes, I could have made a couple of trips. But I would have thought that they'd help. But no. They were busy walking the toddler to the car. Empty-handed.
     In my family, that would be considered thoughtless, rude and inconsiderate. But not in their family. In their family, you help yourself first and everyone else comes second.

    It's something that I'm not used to. Like my partner's attitude when my parents come to visit. Or when friends come over. He thinks nothing of going to sort the bills, or shred the old ones, or put loads of washing on, or sit on the computer and play - even though people are there to visit. When my mother comes to visit, he doesn't even say hi or look up from the computer. And to me and my mum, that's extremely rude. But to him, that's normal. His parents barely look up from the TV when we arrive to visit. It's normal for them.

    So how do you deal with that? Do you relax the rules that you've been brought up with your whole life, or do you expect them to change their lives for you?
I don't know what to do, because I can't be anything other than what I am. I like my strong morals and manners. I don't want to become less than that.

It can cause problems between my partner and I, because I believe he's being rude when he doesn't. So what do I do?

Irks and Quirks

     There's a lot going around in my head today. I'm much more relaxed than usual. Why? Because I went to visit a friend.
     KC was my best friend in primary school. We haven't seen each other much since primary school, as she was a couple of grades below me. We got along really well from day 1, and that hasn't changed in the 20-some years since we met.
     KC was a lovely young girl. I'm not sure exactly how we met at primary school, being that she was a couple of grades younger. Maybe it was the fact that I didn't really have a lot of friends, let alone friends my own age. Maybe it was the fact that she was accepting of me, however I was.
     Her life wasn't easy. She had two VERY protective older sisters, and a younger brother. In primary school, she got around on crutches - these days it's a wheelchair. We got along extremely well, in fact I think we only had one or two arguments in the whole of primary school.

    I always got the impression that her mother didn't like me. Yesterday I found out that I was wrong.
She moved to a little country town, and I drove the 3 hours to go visit her yesterday. It was the first time in many many years ( we worked it out to be at least 15 years since we'd last caught up ), and I was amazed at how relaxed I felt. Not only did her mother NOT hate me, she actually invited me to stay for dinner AND to stay the night to save me the long drive home!
    
     It just goes to show how impressions from years ago can stay with you, even though they're not always right. We laughed about times when we'd got into mischief at school, bitched about the horrible aides at school and smiled about the good ones. She  when I reminded her that once I'd taken her crutches off her and tried to make her walk! Then we laughed about it.

She has decided to study being a Jehova's Witness. So she and her family are Witnesses now. Her mother always was, but she wasn't.  While I don't agree with all the principles of JWs, I respect that people are entitled to have their own beliefs. She is also one of the "new-school" JWs, who will doorknock but show you respect if you tell them to politely rack off. They won't hassle you. So before dinner, there was a short prayer. I felt comfortable sitting there while they prayed. It wasn't a big deal (but as those who read my blog regularly will know, not much is a big deal for me!)

     Our friendship is one that has survived the years. People change, and grow up. We grow out of friends.
But it was nice to realise that the important people in your life, the ones who truly love you for who you are, will always be there no matter how many years pass.

I Am A Bad Parent

     I am apparently, according to some, the definition of a bad parent. I enjoy my time without my kids, and even though I choose to be a stay-at-home-mum, I love to have a break from them.
I love it when Miss M goes to school, and I used to love it when I had Master C in creche for the day. I had him in childcare 2 days a week, to save my sanity and let me get things done.... like go to the psychologist and get treated for my depression.
     But on many online blogs, I have seen people condemn those SAHMs who choose to put their child in childcare even though it's their "career" to look after their kids. And this is something that annoys me.
     Even top executives get a break from their job. People who absolutely love their job still need a break. I don't believe there is anything wrong with parents putting their children in childcare one or two days a week. It's good socialisation for the kids, and it gives the parents some down-time.
   
     I lose my temper at the kids sometimes, I don't bath them every night, I don't spend all day playing with them, I put Master C in creche because I needed the break from him, I put Miss M in afterschool care because she needed an afterschool activity and I figured that would give her some variety in activities, and I enjoy time away from my kids.
  
     My toddler is spending a few days at my in-laws' place and gets back tomorrow morning, my 6 year old is about to go to my mum's until Friday.  And I don't feel at ALL bad about it, because I know that I am a much happier mum when I've had a break from my kids.
     I know people who go to work while their kids are young, and have a complex about being a "bad parent" because they're away from their kids so much. I want to shake those people, and say "Are you kidding?" Because I know how much they adore their children, and their kids are very much loved. As long as you don't over-indulge your children and give them everything they want when you are home with them, there's no harm done. Kids cope quite well with us being at work.
 
     I've been a working mum, who worked full-time. I've been a SAHM (Stay At Home Mum) for quite awhile now. And I have to say that I know I'd rather be at home. But there will come a time when I need to go back to work for financial reasons. And when that time comes, I'll be okay with it.
But for now, I'll stay home and enjoy my kids being young. With the occasional break from them to save my sanity.

READERS' REQUEST - Depression

     There is a lot that I could write about depression. It's a topic that I know quite a bit about personally, because I suffer from depression. Depression is a very complicated ilness, so I will try and give a bit of information from my experiences.

Depression can affect people in very different ways. For some, they are incredibly moody, and they don't enjoy life any more. For other people, it can be a rollercoaster ride - up and down- life is great, then life is awful. It's like a pendulum that never stops swinging. The moods can make you suicidal. One popular relief for people with depression is self-harm. I have been down this road, and have the scars to prove it. It is NOT an attention-seeking activity like some people believe. It's a way to help deal with the emotional pain in a more real way. It's a topic that no one wants to talk about, and no one wants to deal with. People believe that you should keep things like this to yourself because it's embarassing, but I honestly believe that if these topics are talked about it may help come up with a way to stop it.

     However, there are other symptoms of depression that aren't spoken about as often.
Inability to sleep is one. Sleeping too MUCH can also be a symptom though. For example, when I first got depression, I couldn't sleep. I was moody, and cranky, and upset all the time. I was mentally and emotionally unstable. For years my depression went undiagnosed. The school psychologist put it down to normal teenage angst. My parents thought I was just being immature and attention-seeking.
     When I had Master C 17 months ago, there were massive complications and I nearly bled to death. One of the side effects of nearly dying was memory loss. The stress of my time in hospital gave me a HUGE relapse of my depression. I had almost no memories of the first 12 months of my baby's year.
     I went to see a psychologist for awhile. She believed that my memory loss wasn't permanent, and that if I learned ways to de-stress that I could even get some of the memories back. Due to my depression at THIS time, I slept like the dead. I was put onto anti-depression medication - Zoloft. It made me extremely drowsy, but once it settled into my system I was a lot better. I wasn't so depressed all the time.

     Another side-step of depression is anger. I'm not talking about getting annoyed. I'm talking about "THE KIDS ARE DRIVING ME INSANE, even little things are setting me off, and I just want the whole world to FUCK OFF" sort of anger. I snapped at the tiniest little inconvenience, like being interrupted when I was watching a movie, or when I feel like Mum's treating me like a child instead of the adult that I am.

     The anger can be scary, especially for the person with depression. It comes out of nowhere, and sometimes straight after you do it you want to take it back. But by that time, the person you've yelled at or screamed at does NOT want to hear your apology.

     There are a few things that family and friends can do to help people with depression.
For starters, accept the fact that they have depression.
Accept the fact that most depressed people once they're on medication are CONVINCED that they don't need the medication, that they'll be fine without it. If they make this decision, love and support them. Point out to them gently when you believe that they're slipping back into depression. Don't yell at them when they frustrate you - understand that they have an illness. That ilness can be treated, but one of the problems with depression is that you are CONVINCED that you don't need help to deal with it.
     Depression can be a scary thing. We need to feel loved and accepted irrespective of the fact that we really don't feel like we deserve it sometimes. A lot of people (I would say almost all people) with depression feel worthless, or that they don't deserve nice things and good people. So we seek out people who accept us for who we are, and that's not always a wise choice. Sometimes we get people in our lives who just make the depression tenfold worse. They pick us up and make us feel great, but we become reliant on them to cheer us up. We have to feel happy within ourselves, and that's something we find hard to do.

     It's not always the parents' fault. Parents cop a lot of blame for kids making stupid mistakes and falling into depression. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It is no one's fault. However, the depressed person must take a certain accountability for their depression - it needs to be treated properly, and us depressed people really need to learn that meds are GREAT and that we need help. We seem to have a hell of a lot of trouble accepting that we need help. We're stubborn people!

      So hopefully I've given you all a bit of insight into depression. And hopefully I've given you some tools on how to deal with it, and how to help people you love who have depression.

As always, drop me a line jenna_cooksley@yahoo.com.au  or post on the blog (you'll need a gmail account).
If you email me, we can talk privately or I can post your comments onto the blog for you.

Depression and emotions.... and the New Year

    Zoloft is a wonderful drug - I ceased to function on a human level. I had no emotions whatsoever. It took away all the hurt and pain from life. I felt like I had control over my life again.
But it was all an illusion.

    3 weeks after stopping my meds, I am feeling weirded-out. I have feelings again - my libido is back. I'm enjoying the company of people again, instead of wanting to hide away from it. However, I'm emotional - and possibly too much. Zoloft has a lot of side effects, such as lack of libido (in mens' case, lack of erection - in females' case, lack of wanting sex). In my case, it also gave me weird cramps in my body, which meant that I was in a bit of pain most of the time. It also meant that I slept like the dead.
     I've never been one to cry at movies. In fact, it's safe to say I'm pretty emotionally lacking. Things that make other people sad just don't seem to affect me. Like, I don't get why people cry at funerals - yes, you'll miss the person, but death is a part of life. Or why people can be so anti-gay... I mean, I don't get what the big deal is. They're no less human, they're not a different species. They just have sex with the same sex. So what.
     But I'm watching Armageddon (for the hundredth time), but not sure why I'm suddenly getting teary when the crew leaves Earth and says goodbye to their loved ones. Could the lack of medication be turning me into a human who actually reacts to human-stuff, or am I mentally unbalanced?

     I suppose that getting upset is a standard reaction to something like that, but it doesn't usually happen to me. It's a strange feeling.
     I'm feeling pretty restless at the moment. The heat is stifling, it's 40*C here today. I feel like I should be out doing something today with Madd, but I'm really not wanting to. I'm quite happy to be at home today.

     I have let go of a few things already this year. It's only Day 2 of 2012, and I have achieved closure on some things.
My friend P, who I really miss, is no more. I have had a DVD of P's for MONTHS, and yesterday I finally dropped it in P's letterbox. I will not speak of P or to P again. My life is less complicated without P, and I hope that I'm finally able to let P go.
My friend A, who has stuffed me around for YEARS, is no more. I refuse to believe the crappy half-arsed excuses any more, and I've finally decided to get A out of my life for good. No more forgiveness for A.
     So this year I will make some changes. I will cope without my medication, I will keep my life on track, and I will appreciate the wonderful family I have - my partner, my daughter, and my son. And hopefully we will have a little Peanut growing by the end of this year.It would be nice to have 3 kids :)

     So enough of my rambling - that's pretty much all I've done with this post. I've vented my spleen a little, and have managed to make myself feel a little better.

    Thanks for listening, and if anyone has a Google or Gmail account, please post a comment.
If not, sign up slackers! I would love to get some comments.