Zoloft is a wonderful drug - I ceased to function on a human level. I had no emotions whatsoever. It took away all the hurt and pain from life. I felt like I had control over my life again.
But it was all an illusion.
3 weeks after stopping my meds, I am feeling weirded-out. I have feelings again - my libido is back. I'm enjoying the company of people again, instead of wanting to hide away from it. However, I'm emotional - and possibly too much. Zoloft has a lot of side effects, such as lack of libido (in mens' case, lack of erection - in females' case, lack of wanting sex). In my case, it also gave me weird cramps in my body, which meant that I was in a bit of pain most of the time. It also meant that I slept like the dead.
I've never been one to cry at movies. In fact, it's safe to say I'm pretty emotionally lacking. Things that make other people sad just don't seem to affect me. Like, I don't get why people cry at funerals - yes, you'll miss the person, but death is a part of life. Or why people can be so anti-gay... I mean, I don't get what the big deal is. They're no less human, they're not a different species. They just have sex with the same sex. So what.
But I'm watching Armageddon (for the hundredth time), but not sure why I'm suddenly getting teary when the crew leaves Earth and says goodbye to their loved ones. Could the lack of medication be turning me into a human who actually reacts to human-stuff, or am I mentally unbalanced?
I suppose that getting upset is a standard reaction to something like that, but it doesn't usually happen to me. It's a strange feeling.
I'm feeling pretty restless at the moment. The heat is stifling, it's 40*C here today. I feel like I should be out doing something today with Madd, but I'm really not wanting to. I'm quite happy to be at home today.
I have let go of a few things already this year. It's only Day 2 of 2012, and I have achieved closure on some things.
My friend P, who I really miss, is no more. I have had a DVD of P's for MONTHS, and yesterday I finally dropped it in P's letterbox. I will not speak of P or to P again. My life is less complicated without P, and I hope that I'm finally able to let P go.
My friend A, who has stuffed me around for YEARS, is no more. I refuse to believe the crappy half-arsed excuses any more, and I've finally decided to get A out of my life for good. No more forgiveness for A.
So this year I will make some changes. I will cope without my medication, I will keep my life on track, and I will appreciate the wonderful family I have - my partner, my daughter, and my son. And hopefully we will have a little Peanut growing by the end of this year.It would be nice to have 3 kids :)
So enough of my rambling - that's pretty much all I've done with this post. I've vented my spleen a little, and have managed to make myself feel a little better.
Thanks for listening, and if anyone has a Google or Gmail account, please post a comment.
If not, sign up slackers! I would love to get some comments.
Jenna,
ReplyDeleteI applaud you for putting your life and feelings into words.
I, too, am living with depression, my husband has been medicated for sometime due to being bullied in the workplace. He does not cope very well, and I just cover it all up. As for libido, well if I was a cheating woman I would have been out of here a long time ago, it has been about 18 months since we had an relationship in that manner..... So as I said, I applaud you because I dont have the gumption to spill my guts, as this is only a minute portion of my feelings and life.
Hi Boo, thanks for commenting.
ReplyDeleteIt's nice to hear back from someone who reads the blog.
Thank you for giving me a glimpse into your experience, feel free to send me a personal email at any time if you ever want to talk.
Depression is a hard thing to deal with, not only for the depressed person but the people close to them. We often feel like failures for not being able to survive without the medication, so we stupidly go off it and fall in a heap again.
Someone needs to put those hard-to-talk-about conversations out there. Depression falls under the mental illness category, which makes it hard for people to talk about. Those who have no experience with depression don't understand why we can't just "suck it up" and "get over it".... if only it were that simple!
I do believe that the strong ones seek help and get medication or counselling - the weak ones are the ones who emphatically deny that they have depression and state that they do NOT need help.
I applaud YOU for sticking by your husband through his depression
xxxx Jen