Just when I love the way my daughter is behaving, she goes and does something stupid that makes me realise she's still a little kid, despite the way she sometimes acts.
She decided to draw all over a reading book of hers with a marker pen of mine.
She dragged her finger through the icing on her cake because she had to taste it (never mind that I'd given her the bowl to lick out). She's giving me attitude, and telling me that she's going to kill me.
It's been a fun day today. Mass amounts of cleaning and housework, a 6 year old with a major attitude problem, and a toddler who just wants freedom (which is NOT going to happen while I'm trying to clean up, thank you very much).
Sometimes being a parent is a blessing. Some days it just sucks. And when you call your mother for emotional support, you get told "Oh, well you were worse as a child", proceeds to tell me of all my fuckups when I was a child, then that she's too busy to talk, and hangs up! Well thanks a lot, Mum.
Seriously. Very helpful, not. I am hanging on by a thread.
The joys of being a person with depression, and trying to cope without medication. It's not easy.
Some people say that I should just stay on the meds then. Forever? Really? I don't WANT to be on them forever. I want to be able to cope all by myself without needing medication to level me out.
But sometimes it really would be easier to stay on them. I'm cruising along quite fine and then it all catches up with me and I snap. Like today.
The Cake Incident, coupled with the Marker Pen incident, add to that the fact that I had a late night and an early morning and did NOT sleep well, and having a 6 year old screaming at me that I don't listen and that she wants to kill me, a toddler who is screaming at me because he's thrown his lunch all over the just-cleaned floor and wants OUT of the high chair.... I'm ready to cry.
Sometimes emotions just catch up on you. I've come to the realisation that I want to settle down, and enjoy family life, and enjoy my kids, but sometimes I just don't know how. I don't have the tools to deal with it. I don't know how to placate a screaming angry 6 year old without giving in to her unreasonable demands. I could say "To hell with the clean house" and let my toddler run amok. It would certainly stop the screaming, but it would be counterproductive.
So now I go to pick up my other half from work, and let him deal with the kids while I finish the house.
I feel like a single parent a lot of the time. I know he needs to work, and he's GREAT when he's actually here. But sometimes life just takes its toll. It's not fair, and it sucks. But that's the way it is.
There are people in my life I'd like to reconnect with, people who used to mean a lot to me and disappeared out of my life for one reason or another. T, who showed me that I could have a wild time for awhile but that I wanted more from life than thrillseeking and drinking. L, who was an amazing friend to me but then realised he was WAY better off without me. P, who made my life much more bearable for a short time but then made it so much worse.....
So time to get off the computer, and deal with reality as it stands. A screaming toddler, a screaming 6 year old, and a messy house. Thanks reality. I'm coming back.
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